Now, im not very good at figuring out how to express myelf when i have thoughts like this. I have been on new medication over the past few months, and its helped me do alot of things and think alot better about things than i used to. Today i talked with my doctor as a sort of checkup, and iv been having something on my mind the past few days with none to listen to it.

The past few years are not existant to me, not in any way that i can painlessly recall. It seems like when one bad thing happens to you, it keeps happening since then but in different ways and with different people. I feel like iv been handed down from person to person since i was born emotionally, and i always thought as a kid as i grew up the solution was for someone else to save me, but now i think none is coming to save me.

I used to be very suicidal and i still am to some very minor extent, but i want to live so badly now and more than living or dying i want to be happy

This is a time of great self reflection, about the people iv chosen to surround myself with and the horrors and terrible things that have occured because of it. I cant explain why, for some reason that i am drawn to people that resemble the same situations or people of my prior trauma. Im not sure what i expect, but i think some part of it is some craving of wanting things to remain the same because you grow comfort to that. Its terrible but its expected, like when you can brace for an impact, and sometimes its scary to push yourself out of how you were raised or groomed or however you got into that situation.

For all i can remember, iv wanted to do great things. Doing good things was not good enough to sate any sort of desire i had, because the thing i wanted the most in the entire world was for people to be kind to me. I wanted to tell me i was good at something, but i think iv always wanted people to want to be with me and talk to me and want to be nice to me, so i always admired artists for that. One of my earliest memories is seeing someone much older than me receive alot of praise over some art they drew in school.

I was extremely jelous and angry, it was a very core memory for me, i wanted that so bad, that i decided i would become better at art than she was, and that kind of continued for the rest of my life. Their is a large portion of me that wants to express myself but it has otherwise been dominated by the strong intense desire for positive attention from my peers, im not sure why. It is obviously simultanously as you could expect i never got positive attention from anyone, i had none i was close to growing up not friends or family but i did have random weirdos on the internet that left me likes on my art and i clung to that like some kind of lifeline.

The point of that whole thing i guess is that i realize that all of my efforts are to make people like me and iv sacrificed nearly everything including letting people hurt me for fun for any sort of feeling of being wanted or needed or some way of just, being loved i think iv wanted to be loved and the only way iv known how to fix the large gouged out hole in my subconscious of desperately wanting positiving attention from anyone was to only do things for other people i dont know if iv ever done things for myself very much

In the past year or so though, i really sat down and have had moments of clarity where i can recognize that i deserve more than what i have been given because none else HAS to go through this, does that make sense? Right now, and im not sure how to express any of this coherently but what im really writing about and trying to say is that people SAW me suffering and did nothing, and i thought if i waited the answer to solving it would be someone wanting to treat me nicely if i tried hard enough to please them but i dont think anyone is going to do that, so i need to take bette care of myself, i think maybe iv been doing stuff wrong and ruined alot of my life or allowed people to ruin my life because it was all i grew up knowing.

It is very painful, to realize alot of your past friends and people you loved did not have your health or emotions in mind, i dunno if that makes sense. Iv decided i dont have to talk to people that want me to do bad things or encourage me to do bad dangerous things other people can be nice to me and love me especially in person without saying and doing such horrible things to me.

I have alot of new trauma that just adds unto the prexisting one and i think im just done, like i want to go live my life and im trying to take steps to really cultivate people that want me to succeed and be kind to myself but its like addictive to fall back into the cycles because its comfortingly normal.

In the past couple years, iv let people tell me and encourage me to do bad things to myself some of which could of killed me. I have had people encourage me to cut myself, stab myself, cut flesh out of myself, and generally do very bad unenjoyeable things and i did them because i was so mentally ill and alone and traumaized and i couldnt connect with anyone else, i dont know why i let it happen to me, but sometimes it felt like i was so desperate for kindness and love and feeling needed i just, did it, i dont know.

I used to have an eating disorder where i would purge my dinner and sometimes also my breakfast everyday, and i had been encouraged to do that by people i knew too. I was in a very abusive relationship with quite frankly, a middle aged man from anothe country starting when i was 20. I was in a very mentally unwell place and lonely and they found me through social media where i was expressing my unwell-ness and i feel like i was taken advtantage of or used and then emotionally abused so bad i felt like i couldnt leave, it was so much and i cant tell anyone about it still barely at all.

I really felt like i had to do things because they told me they couldnt help cheating on me if i did not like, do things for them to satisfy them sexually and they told me to not talk to any of my friends so i was very isolated and didnt know it was wrong or bad because i didnt have anything else around me to compare it to? but they told me to cut myself alot and encouraged me to go deeper, i have alot of sensory memories in almost a PTSD way because alot of it was on video calls nd so physical. i get flashbacks triggered from random things nearly every other day

I remember being pushed beyond my physical limits to hurt myself, at one time i ran out of space to cut and they made me keep cutting for over half an hour just over the same open wounds. Another time they had me eat granola bars just to throw them back up and kept making me vomit over and over until they were done and i could not physically vomit anymore as my stomach had nothing in it so i just dry heaved on my floor into these containers. I had hurt my throat so bad multiple times i could not talk for the next few days.

I became an alcoholic to cope with everything and was encouraged to drink even more by my friends, i was encouraged to cut myself by several other people as well. Alot of people saw me dying and chose to encourage it.

Its overall been very traumatic, and im just not kind of coming to terms with that i should NOT be around anyone that openly encourages me to get worse or cut myself because i can surely get validation and feel loved by normal people, yknow. I guess thats alot for me to say in this sort of thing.

I think its important for negative experiences to be told so that other people know it does NOT have to be that way. I didnt see anybody tell me it was bad or weird to date someone like 20 years older than me, because once you're over 18 it stops becoming predatory and becomes totally normal and good to other people when the mental maturity between a severely mentally ill 20 year old boy and a middle aged guy old enough to be nearly TWICE your age that is NOT a comparable power dynamic.

I didnt know in some ways people could love me without hurting myself for them overtime. I think its crucial and important we write poetry and write these things because if i had read this before i could of left the situation and not have had to deal with such bullshit every day over how bad its left me.

Thats really bad sounding but im doing ALOT better now, and like i said i dont really hurt myself much at all anymore, im in therapy and on more medication and im going back to college and iv recovered so much and right now im trying to drive and just, try to recover from all of this and do more stuff outside the internet. I just kind of wanted to express this somewhere.