Closer closer closer..

Nothing is close enough

I hold objects to me, fabric and plastic against skin, closer, closer, not close enough.

never close enough, no permanency, nothing feels permanent when there is still chance, there's still a divide.

Certainly not close enough to fill in the gaps left within my being, beneath skin and turmoil.

I begin to shake, claws gripping into fabric

Closer, i need something closer than skin, i need permanent closure i need something to stay

a promise an eternal rest to quell the painful emptiness inside me, desperation

My need is painfully deeper than skin, it's in flesh and blood and bone marrow.

Till death do us part? In death parting is unattainable, an eternal togetherness deeper than our vessels will allow.

Closer, get closer to me, opening crocodilian jaws teeth shimmering hunger despair and weeping agony, closer

Consumption, repurpose recycled cells, nutrients and tissue swirling together into one state of being, ultimatum, eternal in this life entering the next if i can eat you whole, until nothing, until we are closer

closer than anything, so present that you can't abandon,

it's okay now because there's no chance, division broken

I won't ever be alone, I'm sated and calm and can exist with you….right?

if only if only if only

Surrounding myself in my own destruction, decay of animals, scattered remains surround me

my despairing desolation, curling unfurling far too fragile for this world

tears and blood of a monster licking his wounds curled in front of his trophies, gasping and whimpering and heaving in fear.

There is no family there is no home there is no safety.

no promise or togetherness here

affection absent, none to save me or console me, none none none

I need to be closer, do you understand me now?

I need something, anything to keep with me

Anything to hold unto to grasp to keep and have

Desperation, sweat salt and tears mix with saliva

Paradoxical Hissing loving feral aggression

I will snap my jaws around your neck, crush your windpipe with my teeth

drag you into the waters of my dwelling, eat your skin and bone and be sated for the first time finally relief from this, finally trusting

Unwary, shaking and crying, screaming reduced to begging

agony evident apparent yet denied comfort of any degree

never affectionate never merciful, curled up alone on the floorboards

Bloody and fractured broken china scattered around with none to pick up the pieces

only a boy so small so tiny much too young much too fragile for the cuts it brings forth

There is more than a pain within me, the incomprehensible emptiness

This is not leftover scars, a loss is not a loss when there was never anything to lose

Me and my body myself were born starving and was never fed till this day and further

and I HUNGER

Oh i hunger starving in this discrepancy of my existence

never the allowance, a privilege of having felt what it's like to be whole

dependency, reliance, locked alone begging through wooden door wailing

3 brothers at the dinner table, organized like matryoshka dolls size and shape staircased clothes and glasses mirrored but separate, family?

yet one condemned and damned, cast out of heaven with wings never present, far too early to have committed a sin in the first place.

Looked in the eyes with my own damnation, jeered and mocked and testified in front of our court, and I am ever the jester.

Blood is nothing

blood flows down my thighs and stains my carpet

blood is something i lick off my hands and stains my sleeves

The blood inside us is merely an illusion, never family

I was merely an unhinged dog chained in your backyard you didn't have the guts to put down

Would you eat me, too? Surely i would be the first to go, i doubt you'd feel full though, to eat something with nothing inside, empty calories iceberg lettuce bones flesh like celery stripped.

My blood is tar and my sinew ash, coating and staining all who sink their teeth into me. I am empty but in this I will become whole. I will become the beast that swallows you in a fate crueler than death will allow